What's in a name?

Just a quick update...

It has been 3 months since my last blog. Wow, time has flown by! Just when I thought our lives couldn't change any more than it already has, boom another big change. Bobby accepted his dream job as an Adaptive Sports Coordinator at MacDill Air Force base. So within weeks of our kids moving with us full time, we decided to move across the state. It was such a good move for our family but absolutely the most stressful days of my life. But with the help of family, we got through it and are so excited to be here in Tampa. Now, on to the blog, "What's in a name"...

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What's in a name? Usually your whole identity, good or bad. This is the reason why so many people agonize for months over their unborn child's name and why there are thousands of books dedicated to this topic. I was lucky enough to be born with a name I love. Andrea is definitely not common and although there were a few jokes around my last name in school, I still liked my last name. I wasn't named after anyone, to my knowledge, but I think my parents did a great job. BUT, what if you were born with a name you dislike or even despise?

Some names can have such a deep connection to your past that it can bring up emotions every time you have to say it. And many of those who hate their name will never have the opportunity to officially change it. But as an adoptive parent, we have the very big responsibility to decided on name changes for our children. Now, if your child is a baby and really too young to understand, or if your child is old enough to make that decision on their own, say in their teens, it may be a little bit of an easier decision. But if you have the in between ages, like 2 to 10ish, it can be an agonizing decision. What do you do when your 5 year old begs to change his full name because he has such a negative association to his birth name?

This is the exact situation we were in. Since meeting our son he has made it known that he hated his name and wanted to change it. Even hearing the desperation in his voice we were hesitant. We would say things like "well lets keep your first name and change your middle name and we can call you by your middle name if that's what you really want". He would say no and insist that his whole name change. Very shortly after meeting him he wanted to be called Bobby. According to him, he wanted to share his dads name. Of course we were thrilled that he felt this connection to his dad, but the last thing we wanted was for him to lose his identity and the one thing that has been consistent in his life, besides his sister.  For the last few months we have talked it over with him and he has never waivered from this decision that he has made. Sometimes as parents we think we know what's best for our children and we have a hard time really listening to what they want and why they want it. Although our son could not put it into words why he wanted this change, he knew in his heart he needed this to happen.

After going back and forth with this decision, we decided to get a professional opinion and speak with the professionals in our child's life that have known him for the last few years while in the foster care system. And to our surprise, they backed his decision to change his name. Yes, it may be hard at first, but even though he is only 5, he dreads saying his name to people who ask. He has such a negative feeling toward his name that he got physically upset when we said we want to keep his given first name. So with all of the those factors and sitting down and having long conversations, we made the decision to really listen to what our child needs.

We have decided to change his full name to Robert Zane Puckett and call him Bobby. The middle name has been a part of my family for generations and we are so happy to continue on this tradition.  At first calling him Bobby was weird, especially for Rose. She did not like the change and in the first few weeks asked often why we are changing his name. But as time has gone on she has understood why he needed this change and what it means to him. Now, when people ask what his name is, he very proudly says "Bobby", with zero shame, something we did not see before. Our biggest fear was for him to lose his identity, and that is exactly what happened. He lost the shame, he lost the fear, he lost the anxiety, but he gained his true self. The happy kid he always wanted to be came out. He now has a connection to a father who is the best role model a kid could have. A man that is there for him and gives him what a father should; love, connection, respect, and attention.

Like politics, so many have very strong opinions of name changes for adopted children. But we are very happy with the choice we made as a family and cannot wait to move to the next chapter with the final adoption, which will be happing in the very near future!

Thank you for the support and encouragement and we look forward to announcing the date of our official adoption soon.





Cheers,

Bobby, Andrea, Rose and (little) Bobby
PS. now that we have 2 Bobby's in the house, dad may have to upgrade his name soon to Bob so we can keep confusion down ;)