F*@k the lemonade and give me vodka!

 

I imagined 2 loving parents and 2 amazing kids traveling across America in our RV hitting all the major tourist spots, happy and singing along the way. 

Then reality hit. The kids start fighting, Bobby farts, the dogs are roughhousing, and I want to tuck and roll right out of this moving shit show. (I'm being a bit dramatic, but you catch my drift).

Sometimes happily ever after looks much different than you had pictured. So, for now, I say, 

Fuck the lemonade and give me Vodka. 

Divorce is not easy. In fact, it may be one of the hardest things I have gone through. But it is also one of the most freeing. 

I won't go into the whole thing and bore you with the details, but I realized that being so involved with your spouse and worrying about their happiness, most of the time at your own expense, you can lose yourself. You lose the person you were, the person you want to be. For 18 years I lived for my husband. I supported his hopes and dreams and moved around the country thinking it would eventually pay off in the end. Well, it sure did pay off, for HIM. He was exactly where he wanted to be. But where did that leave me? Wishing I tucked and rolled!

Divorce sucks. It sucks really bad. But, I am on this amazingly hard, puke-inducing, beautiful journey to find who I am, and who I want to be. I'm 41, not the spring chicken I used to be. So this is much harder than it probably would have been 10 years ago. But I am ready for the challenge. I am finally done being the elevator that lifted him to new levels, while never getting greased or maintained. Secretly wishing I would have broken a while ago, and the elevator would have come crashing down, then maybe he would have to tuck and roll and I get to drive this rig. LESSON LEARNED!

So here I am, ready to make this life what I want. So now that the lemonade is made, I'll grab my Tito's, get behind the wheel and drive this rig, MY WAY. I may swerve, hit a few things along the way (😉), or even crash. But damn it, it's going to be my way on this crazy highway. 

Cheers!

Mom, Mom, Mom...

Mom... The word that I longed for someone to say for the last 8 years of my life. I begged and pleaded and made a vow that I would never take that word for granted and would love it every time I heard it. 

Well, I am a big fat liar. I think I was trying to convince myself that it wouldn't be the most annoying thing I have ever heard in my life. I wanted to believe that every time I heard it I would blissfully turn toward my child and say oh how I love that word... I lied.

With the joys of motherhood ( and believe me I love being a mom) comes this thing that you hear every mother say but you don't want to believe it's true. That the word mom comes out of your child at least 5,398 times every hour. And the one time you hear the word dad, is usually followed up by "wheres Mom?" 

Hearing the word Mom sometimes reminds me of the moment on our wedding day that my new husband and I had just sat down for dinner. A few people in the crowd would tap their glass to signal us to kiss. Awe, so sweet, They would tap, we would kiss, they would tap, we would kiss. Then after about the 10th time, I shot my mom the death look that signaled her to politely ask people to quit being so damn annoying. Now, my kids get that same death look after about the 5th time in a row they say my name. 

Rose has the uncanny ability to say my name 43 times in one sentence. "Mom, Mom, Mom" at this point I have said what 3 times and I am staring strait at her, "Mom, I really want to have chocolate, Mom, can I have chocolate right now Mom please?" I mean seriously, you just said mom 6 times after I said what and I am looking directly at you. Why do you feel the need for every other word out of your mouth to be mom?  I have literally sat down with her and discussed how to say a proper sentence while only using the word mom one time. I had her repeat after me, Me:"Mom, can i go outside to play". Now repeat, Rose: "Mom, can I go out and play? But mom that sounds so funny mom, why would I say that when I don't want to go outside, you're funny Mom." *Insert face palm.

We have also had extensive conversations about the other adult in the house by the name of Daddy. He is actually a person that can help answer questions and get things for you. He does exist. He is not just there to tell you where I am. He has the ability to make decisions, just as I do. About 10 minutes after this very lengthy conversation about Daddy, I am in the bathroom and I hear Bobby knock on the door and say, "Mom, I asked Dad if I could go out and play and he said yes, OK Mom?" *Insert another face palm. Maybe one day I will miss the days of hearing the word mom every other second, but today is not that day. So I guess my point is, be careful what you ask for, because you just may get it!

I refuse to be silent

Today was hard.  Today I chose to shield my son from what he did not understand. Today I chose to not tell my son that the grown woman standing in front of us chose to judge him and I unfairly. I chose to keep quiet about the blatant discrimination that we just experienced. Was I protecting him? Or should I have stood up right then and there?

Little Bobby has been sick for the last week, but today it was different . I noticed he was struggling to breath. I panicked a bit (as a new mom would), so I took him to the urgent care down the street. We walk in and the lovely lady behind the desk walks up to us very pleasant and nice. She asks what was going on and I tell her. She looked very sympathetic, then said "can I have your insurance card." I hand her the information. She then barely looks up at us, shoves the paper back in my hand and, in a completely different tone than before, she said, "Oh, you're across the street" then starts to walk away.   Um excuse me? She looks up and says "we don't take medicaid. You are supposed to go across the street." The sad part; she didn't even know what she was doing was wrong. She didn't know that she had just instantly judged us based on what type of insurance we have. She didn't know that she had shamed a 6 year old and his mother, in front of a lobby of people. She didn't know that I had just spent a week on the phone with over 15 doctors offices being shamed over and over again because of the stereotype of medicaid. She also didn't know her blatant discrimination lit a fire inside of this mom that was fueled by her ignorance.

Discrimination Does Not Discriminate 

So during this week that Bobby was starting to get sick I knew I needed to find a new pediatrician for the kids. The one we had been to before was just not for us.  This proved to be a very complicated task. I want someone that doesn't have a million patients a day and will get us in fairly easily if one of the kids gets sick. I did my homework and came up with a list of recommended doctors in the area. Then I started calling around. By the end of my calls that day I was in tears and angry as hell.  Here is how 90% of my conversations went:

Me: "Hello, are you taking new patients" 

Office: In a very cheery tone (most of the time) "Why yes we are, why type of insurance"

Me: "Sunshine" (Florida Medicaid)

Office: Complete tone change to almost rude (most of the time) "Oh no, we don't take that" Hang up. Almost EVERY SINGLE TIME.

As a middle aged white woman, I can say I have not had to deal with many instances of personal discrimination directed toward me. I have seen it all around me. I have seen it happen to friends and family. I have seen it happen with strangers in the street and each time it has made me angry, sad and upset. But when it happens directly to you and to your child, it takes it to a whole new level of anger and sadness. 

 The amount of disgust in people's voices and on their faces because I say one word "Medicaid", is enraging. How dare you. How dare you try to make me and my children feel shame for having a "government insurance". How dare you look down on us because you assume we are "taking your tax dollars" or are "low lifes who won't get off the couch". Who the hell do you think you are? And, the sad part, you don't even know what you are doing is wrong. 

That lady at the urgent care was so very lucky my son did not understand what was happening, because if he did I would have taken that opportunity to help him understand there is no place for discrimination, there is no place for those who shame others. He would have heard me politely ask the lady why she felt the need to shame a sick boy and his mother just trying to get him medical attention. Why she felt the need to treat us like second class citizens that do not deserve to even walk in their office. But, instead I chose in that moment to shield my son from what he did not understand and just move on.

What is Medicaid and the stigma it brings?

One amazing benefit to adopting children from the Florida foster care system, is they will receive medical insurance until their 18th birthday. For so many this is such a relief. As we know, the rise of healthcare costs can be so difficult on so many families. BUT the sad reality with that relief, comes a whole new anxiety, shame and guilt. The sad part is, we do have insurance because of Bob's retirement from the Air Force but the cost associated would be very high and it would not cover nearly what Medicaid will. So we chose, in the best interest of our kids, to keep the medicaid that is offered as a benefit for adoption. But now I have to wonder, is it worth the stigma and shame that it brings?

So many people have very strong opinions of "welfare" and those who have the need to be on assistance. There is this stigma attached to you when you are forced to ask for help so that you and your child can get the very basic necessity of medical care or food. I have heard people actually say "they are taking my money" and "maybe they should just get off the couch and get a job". Never mind that the majority of people on medicaid are children and the elderly. Never mind that in many states "¹medicaid covers 1 out of 3 children, the majority of these come from working families whose income cannot keep pace with normal living expenses"... Never mind that "Medicaid covers more than just low income families, it covers children, pregnant woman, elderly and significantly disabled." (Mark A Wallace, CEO Texas Childrens Hospital). 

I refuse to be silent 

I refuse to be silent any longer. I refuse to let someone look down on my children because they think they know who we are, based solely on their opinion of what type of people use Medicaid. I refuse to let one more parent call these places and be shamed the way I  have felt shamed. I will speak up. I will educate those unwilling to educate themselves on the reality of public assistance.

Are there people who take advantage of the system? Of course. There is in every system of the world. But remember, if you choose judgement over compassion that speaks volumes about your character, not the person on assistance. So for those of you with the opinion of "they are just taking my tax dollars" please remember this, that woman in front of you at the grocery store with 4 kids under 4 using a WIC card, just may be a foster mom trying to feed and love 4 little people who have been taken away from everything they know. Please remember that the man in front of you may have just been forced to flee a country where he grew up because someone was trying to kill his family. Remember that when you see me at the doctors office and I say we have medicaid, its because my child went through hell to be where he is today and he deserves medical care. And remember, your judgement of who you think I am, makes YOU the ignorant, uneducated one.

Discrimination of any kind is a tragedy of our society. It is passed on from one generation to the other without regard for the people it is hurting. It is horribly sad that a mom is made to feel shame when asking for help because of someones ignorance and lack of education on what public assistance truly is and who actually applies for it. It is your neighbor, it is your sister and brother, it is your pastor, your teacher, your friend. Its the highly educated, its the foster child who ages out of the system, it is the mom who lost everything when she chose to leave her abusive relationship. It could be any one of us. Please do your homework and choose love, not ignorance.

What's in a name?

Just a quick update...

It has been 3 months since my last blog. Wow, time has flown by! Just when I thought our lives couldn't change any more than it already has, boom another big change. Bobby accepted his dream job as an Adaptive Sports Coordinator at MacDill Air Force base. So within weeks of our kids moving with us full time, we decided to move across the state. It was such a good move for our family but absolutely the most stressful days of my life. But with the help of family, we got through it and are so excited to be here in Tampa. Now, on to the blog, "What's in a name"...

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What's in a name? Usually your whole identity, good or bad. This is the reason why so many people agonize for months over their unborn child's name and why there are thousands of books dedicated to this topic. I was lucky enough to be born with a name I love. Andrea is definitely not common and although there were a few jokes around my last name in school, I still liked my last name. I wasn't named after anyone, to my knowledge, but I think my parents did a great job. BUT, what if you were born with a name you dislike or even despise?

Some names can have such a deep connection to your past that it can bring up emotions every time you have to say it. And many of those who hate their name will never have the opportunity to officially change it. But as an adoptive parent, we have the very big responsibility to decided on name changes for our children. Now, if your child is a baby and really too young to understand, or if your child is old enough to make that decision on their own, say in their teens, it may be a little bit of an easier decision. But if you have the in between ages, like 2 to 10ish, it can be an agonizing decision. What do you do when your 5 year old begs to change his full name because he has such a negative association to his birth name?

This is the exact situation we were in. Since meeting our son he has made it known that he hated his name and wanted to change it. Even hearing the desperation in his voice we were hesitant. We would say things like "well lets keep your first name and change your middle name and we can call you by your middle name if that's what you really want". He would say no and insist that his whole name change. Very shortly after meeting him he wanted to be called Bobby. According to him, he wanted to share his dads name. Of course we were thrilled that he felt this connection to his dad, but the last thing we wanted was for him to lose his identity and the one thing that has been consistent in his life, besides his sister.  For the last few months we have talked it over with him and he has never waivered from this decision that he has made. Sometimes as parents we think we know what's best for our children and we have a hard time really listening to what they want and why they want it. Although our son could not put it into words why he wanted this change, he knew in his heart he needed this to happen.

After going back and forth with this decision, we decided to get a professional opinion and speak with the professionals in our child's life that have known him for the last few years while in the foster care system. And to our surprise, they backed his decision to change his name. Yes, it may be hard at first, but even though he is only 5, he dreads saying his name to people who ask. He has such a negative feeling toward his name that he got physically upset when we said we want to keep his given first name. So with all of the those factors and sitting down and having long conversations, we made the decision to really listen to what our child needs.

We have decided to change his full name to Robert Zane Puckett and call him Bobby. The middle name has been a part of my family for generations and we are so happy to continue on this tradition.  At first calling him Bobby was weird, especially for Rose. She did not like the change and in the first few weeks asked often why we are changing his name. But as time has gone on she has understood why he needed this change and what it means to him. Now, when people ask what his name is, he very proudly says "Bobby", with zero shame, something we did not see before. Our biggest fear was for him to lose his identity, and that is exactly what happened. He lost the shame, he lost the fear, he lost the anxiety, but he gained his true self. The happy kid he always wanted to be came out. He now has a connection to a father who is the best role model a kid could have. A man that is there for him and gives him what a father should; love, connection, respect, and attention.

Like politics, so many have very strong opinions of name changes for adopted children. But we are very happy with the choice we made as a family and cannot wait to move to the next chapter with the final adoption, which will be happing in the very near future!

Thank you for the support and encouragement and we look forward to announcing the date of our official adoption soon.





Cheers,

Bobby, Andrea, Rose and (little) Bobby
PS. now that we have 2 Bobby's in the house, dad may have to upgrade his name soon to Bob so we can keep confusion down ;)

Rose and Elton

After 100 months of heart ache, countless tears, and praying all the time, wondering if God will ever hear our prayers, on May 11, 2016 we found out just how much God was listening. We got that call that we had been waiting on. We held our breath as the social worker said, its a 6 year old girl named Rose and a 5 year old boy named Elton. They are siblings and ready for adoption and you are the perfect fit. We cried and laughed and cried again. A friend, only a few weeks before, sent me a text that said to hold on to Jeremiah 29:11. Boy did that ring true on this day.

The social worker told us how amazing they are and how much everyone loved them. And they would not have picked just anyone to be their parents,we were the perfect match. The social worker sent the pictures, and as soon as we set our eyes on them we knew they were our children. Made for us, with those bright blue eyes and insanely blonde hair. We had an instant connection with them. We were hoping they would feel the same.

The sun was a little bright! 

Looking Dapper

Always smiling

It took a while for the shock to wear off! I did not stop crying for a week or more. Every time I thought of their little faces, I would cry then laugh then cry again.

On May 19th the day came, we finally got to meet our children for the first time. Bobby and I were both a ball of nerves. I don't think I slept the whole week anticipating this meeting. I had so many questions. What do we say? What will they think of us? Will they like us? What if they hate us? But all of those questions melted away the moment they walked in the door. They stared at us and we stared at them. Then all of the sudden Elton said to Bobby "How do you get those legs off and on?" What a great icebreaker! Bobby and I looked at each other and finally exhaled (I'm pretty sure we had both been holding our breath for like 60 seconds). 

The day we met

The day we met

From that moment on it felt like we were a family. When my mom said all those years ago that "one day you will get one exactly like you" I had no idea she would be this right! Rose is so me as a child. Fiercely independent, talkative, dramatic, loves to dance and sing and always right there to help. Elton is the complete opposite and also happens to be exactly like Bobby. A big thinker, quiet, loves tinkering with toys and how they work, huge dreamer, shy, helpful and absolutely loves to ride his bike. They are happy,  healthy and thriving! They are such amazing kids and we are so blessed to be their mom and dad! I still have to pinch myself to see if I am dreaming.

We cannot wait to be able to introduce them to our family and friends. They, of course, already love their Nana. She is the best Nana in the world according to Rose, and I agree. They also met Papaw and Mimi (Susan). Of course they think dad is hilarious and love to talk to Mimi.  I cannot wait for them to meet Brogan and Liam. I have a feeling they will become fast friends and have that cousin bond instantly. They are already Ohio State fans, Bobby made sure of that, and they cannot wait to meet all of their extended family for the first time.

Thank you so much for all of the support and encouraging words throughout the years. If there was ever a doubt we now know, He may not do what we want when we want, but God's timing is always perfect.

With love,

Bobby, Andrea, Rose & Elton

100 Months

This month marks 100 months since our journey began. It doesn't even seem real that it could be that long! 100 months of hope. 100 months of disappointment. 100 months of wondering why me. 100 months of feeling sorry for myself. And I am tired of this roller coaster! Its like the tea cups at Disney World. Round and round and round with no end in sight, wishing you wouldn't have eaten that hot dog, cause you know its coming right back up...I digress, but you get the point!

But, in all honesty, this huge milestone has challenged me to rethink how I see our infertility journey. After all those long months of this difficult journey, I have realized my mom has been right this whole time, there is a reason for our struggles.  Hindsight is always 20/20!

I have been blessed with infertility. If you would have told me 50 months ago that I was going to make that statement, I would have 100% not believed it. I know they say you are never ready to have children, but throughout the years if we would have had children would we be where we are today? Probably not. Would we appreciate each other the way we do now? Probably not. Would we be blessed with children that need us just as much as we need them? Probably not.

We have decided to forgo fertility treatments. The last 3 rounds did me in, and I think Bobby feels the same. So we are full force searching for our children. And honestly it only seems natural, Bobby and I met online, why not find our kids online too!

For the first time in this crazy journey we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We are so close. Even after finding out everything about us, and I mean everything, they have decided to approve our home study! We have had such a good experience with this process. Children's Home Society of North Florida is such an amazing organization. And we are very blessed to have them in our corner.

Thank you for all of your support. We could not have made it without all of you who have been by our sides through this journey. I am hoping the next blog will be about our child or children! We are so looking forward to this new chapter in our lives.

Cheers to the next 100 months!

Just 5 minutes

Just 5 minutes a day, month or year can change lives. All it takes is 5 minutes of your time. Through the crazy of our lives, I took 5 minutes a day for a week to use my voice to speak for others. I have to do something, anything to help foster kids get the bags they deserve. The one thing that I could do is contact every bag company I can find to see if they would be willing to just listen to what I have to say.

In the age of social media, we are so close to those who can help. We are one message away from reaching someone who may be able to make a difference. So, every day for a week I messaged 1 or 2 bag/luggage companies. Many responded with a message that sent me to their giving department to apply for a grant or donation, which I did, some did not respond at all. But one company's founder/CEO responded right away with a great message and asked how he could help.

All it takes is one. One person to see you, to hear you, to be so touch that they reach out and ask how they can help. Biaggi Luggage not only responded, but took action in a big way! They will now be supporting Duffels4Kids.org on a continual basis throughout the years by sending the perfect bags for these kids. I couldn't be happier with the result of just a little effort.

I challenge you to find something you can be passionate about and take 5 minutes a week to try and make a difference. Never be afraid to ask for something, you might actually get it! If you need help or ideas you can always contact me through Facebook or replying to this post. I am always willing to help get you started.